ADMIT WHAT? FORGET ABOUT IT!
We Admitted? What? I did not want to admit to anything. That was the way I felt about it. This type of thinking led me further and further down the rabbit hole. Things got crazier and crazier and I became sicker and sicker. By the time I finally hit bottom I was malnourished, delirious, so shaky I couldn’t hold anything in my hands and dehydrated. In short, ready for death. I stunk. My pants were urine stained and I had feces stuck to my pants and skin. Puke covered my shirt. I could not take care of myself or attend to my most basic needs.
Finally, I was ready. It was time, “Past Time” to come clean with God. As if He didn’t know. Right? I didn’t want to just confess. I wanted to clear my conscious because I was about to take my life. My heart hurt beyond words and I did not have an ounce of fight left in me. It was over. I had no wish to continue to fail in life, love and sobriety. The pain had to stop and I was ready to take the most drastic measures to end it.
I knelt and started babbling to God about what a horrible person I was. My thoughts were a jumbled because I had gone through the DTs in the crawl space of someones home and I was barely able to communicate sensibly. My mental acuity was not at its best needless to stay. I purged as much smut from my soul as I could because I knew I would be meeting God soon. I talked and I cried. In all of this, admitted earnestly that I was absolutely powerless over the booze and the drugs. I was weak and beaten. I told God my life was a wreck and it was my fault. I could not manage keeping a roof over my head, food in my stomach and alcohol out of my system. I was hopeless and helpless. Completely given over to my addictions.
Hey! How about that? I had taken the First Step and didn’t even realize it. Thankfully, God knew I had taken the necessary step to get sober. 1. “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and our lives had become unmanageable”. For me what that did was reconnect me with the God I prayed to when I was a little kid. He came to me and He was real. I felt Him with me. I was warm and felt safe for the first time in my life. I didn’t want it to end. I held on as long as I could. I just kept talking from the heart and telling God how sorry I was for my mistakes, (sins) and asked Him to forgive me for killing myself in a few minutes. Then I just wept and more words came. “Or take this away from me”. I’m weak, but You can do it. Please, I sobbed. This is where my life changed forever. God lifted the curse. I was healed and made well. Unlike some, I never had any cravings or compulsions to drink or use again. A Miracle! The main point is this: God is real! He delivers! God answers prayer!
Does this mean everything was made perfect in my life? No! What it means is this: I had a new outlook on life and the problems that I had created for myself. I felt like God would help me sort things out and make a way. And, He did!. It was truly amazing. Things were still hard at times. Sometimes I cried, screamed and even cussed but I was drawn back to Gods embrace and things gradually got better. Keep in mind, I had the emotions of a child and had been victimized for much of my life so I was always playing the victim card. Playing that card kept me sick for a long time. I am not saying that a child has the ability to stop the abuse on their own or even that a weaker person being battered by a stronger one can either. I am saying I do not let the label of victim be my identity or who I am today. Now, I am strong. I am a problem solver. I am a survivor. I am a loving, caring and giving human being. No longer a taker or a manipulator. With God, I live a blessed life free of alcohol, drugs and the turmoil addiction brings.
Understand this my friend. You can make this transition too. It’s time and with Gods help you can give up the addiction. Whatever it is. If you are drawn back into it against your desire, “You are powerless”. If life sux so bad you have thought about ending it this means, “Your life has become unmanageable”. Take the first step. God will meet you there…
May God be with you in your decision,
Robert S. Newberry, “Sinner”