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PORN ADDICTION SUX!

Talk about the issue of the century that nobody wants to talk about. I’ve never seen churchy people squirm quite like they do when you try to talk to them about having a problem with porn addiction. They sweat, twist, clear their throat and many can’t relate to the subject, or so they say. However, they would be glad to get you in touch with their pastor. COP OUT!!! They act as though they have never gazed upon the beautiful curves and sexuality of another with lust in their heart. Right?

Innocent searches that all of a sudden lead to a site that you didn’t intentionally search for and POOF! Right there in front of your eyes. You know it’s not the best place for you to be and yet it’s just so hard to not keep staring. Kind of like that gruesome accident you are passing by and just can’t seem to look away.  Does that mean we are terrible people? No. We are just human. Sometimes we intentionally go where we shouldn’t.  Something triggers in your brain and your heart races. A sudden flow of energy from the adrenalin coursing through your veins.   Dopamine and endorphins flood your brain and you feel shaky and nervous but aroused. Your thoughts start racing. A little paranoia sets in. Is anybody watching me? For God’s sake! Why can’t I leave? I feel like such filth and so weak. Why can’t I control this? Why won’t somebody talk to me about this openly? I feel like I’m drowning and nobody cares. It’s almost like they are judging me and telling me it’s my fault and that I’m drowning because I’m bad, dirty or weak.

I feel lower than scum as the surfing continues. I’m repulsed by the images and excited at the same time. Then it happens: A flashback of seeing the first images ever I ever viewed as vivid as if I was transported back in time. Not quite the same high but close. Then sometimes flashbacks of the abuse that would follow and haunt me for the rest of my life. The tears fall. All of the pain comes back yet I find myself wanting answers. Who is this? Why is their face blurry? Why are they hurting me? Why are they angry? What did I do to deserve this pain? Jesus, Please, help me!! Somebody please help me!! Nobody comes and I go blank. NUMB! Hours have passed and I feel like a failure in life. I have failed again. I’ve betrayed my beautiful wife and managed to stab her in the back and Christ all with one swift blow. I want to die because there is apparently no hope for me.

I have tried pastor after pastor and after several times I realized I was getting the same canned answer they all learned in seminary school. It’s like Richie trying to explain to “The Fonz” about sex. It’s like the dirty joke about two white horses falling in a mud puddle. No hope here and I feel like I will be looked at differently forever. What a lonely place to condemn somebody to. Cruelty dressed up in prayers. I guess I could talk to a counselor, therapist or a psychiatrist, but my inner voice is saying to me. I will be labeled as a pervert or a sex addict or even worse, a threat. Faceless people wielding swords that leave cuts that last a lifetime. Well-meaning healers that brand a well-intentioned scarlet letter to your skin that never goes away. Who wants that? To hell with that! I need to protect my family.

Dear friend, know that I feel your pain. I’ve suffered in your shoes. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you that God does still love you. He does! He does not judge and label the way that self-righteous man does. The struggle of trying to walk away from porn is worth pursuing no matter how many times you fall on your face. God sees your effort. He grades on a curve called Jesus. He knows our imperfections. He knows our hearts and sees the pain we are causing ourselves with this addiction. Please don’t give up.

I must tell you. This mysterious addition does carry us to deeper and deeper depths of suffering and perversion. What used to satisfy no longer satisfies. It’s amazing what kind of smut is lingering out there. As much as our sickness tells us the actors and participants are willing souls. This is not always the case. Sometimes they struggle with their own addictions and issues. Sometimes they are forced. The porn if we look at it with a sober mind is a losing situation for all but the profit taker. We con ourselves into believing the porn that we view is acting and its hurting no one. We hurt everyone including God. This statement is not to send guilt your way. This is to give you a tangible reason to keep trying. Please keep trying. It’s worth it. Maybe someday you will give hope to another fellow sufferer.

Many of us were abused ourselves, like me. I was exposed to porn at the age of 4. Maybe even earlier. I was molested and raped at the age of 5. It has made me suffer from PTSD with all the vivid flashbacks and dreams. This leaves me in agonizing pain and terror. This did not start up until much later in life. I wake up crying and gasping for breath. Soaked in sweat, shaking and at times have even wet on myself. My heart broken over and over and over. Many times it has driven me to thoughts of suicide feeling utterly hopeless and helpless. Seemingly unable to recover and even feeling as though in some twisted way it way all my fault. I must have caused this or opened myself up to this monster. I assure you, I did not and neither did you. We must keep up the good fight and rely on each other for strength and hope if nothing else. Your life is important. God sees your tears and He hears your cries. His time table is different than ours. We want recovery now. It could be that he is allowing us to strengthen our spiritual muscles by struggling some. Keep going. His grace is sufficient. His understanding and insight is unmatched. His love is unmeasurable and unconditional. He asks for so little. Just believe, accept Him as your savior. Ask him to live in your heart and trust his love.

You are precious. You are a fighter and yes, you truly want recovery because you would not have read all of this unless you had a spark of hope and faith in your heart. You can do this.

There is joy and hope in innocence. The love of a young woman or man wanting to marry is sweet and pure. Be blessed.

In Christian Love,

One “Sinner” to another

P.S. It’s only by His Grace we are saved. Saved even though we are yet sinners.

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