TOXIC ROMANCE
There is probably not a better feeling than finding that perfect someone and falling in love and eventually walking down the isle to the alter and exchanging vows. I remember the rush, the big smile and the overwhelming feeling of iminent tears. Complete bliss and joy.
After being raised in a dysfunctional family setting and being in several toxic relationships I have come to believe there is a reason for everything I have been through. I’m human. Lets face it. People can have some really different ways of viewing life, love and relationships. I have been sober and clean for 27 years now so I have experience every kind of odd ball curve satan an throw at me. I felt like a toxic dump for emotional upheaval. At some point, I began to wonder; why life hurts so much at times and why the storm cloud seemed to follow me everywhere I went. Even inside. In reality the storm clouds were in me.
My first A.A. sponsor use to tell me I didn’t know how to fall in love and that I fell into “Sick” instead. Yes, I would get angry but he was right. Sick relationships are built on a foundation of the existing toxic attributes of ones life. I had many emotional and spiritual issues to find healing from, before I had anything of value to offer a mate. I had to learn to love myself with a spiritually mature understanding of love to really enrich someone else’s life. Only then would I find success in love and be in a healthy marriage.
People in recovery have a saying. “If the problem is not me then there is no answer”. When I was young in recovery I thought they were telling me that something must be wrong with me. I recoiled at the thought. Then after awhile I excepted it as a possibility. Needless to say, this turned me into someone that felt like I was just destined to be a failure. Attention: “God does not make failures”. You are not a failure either.
Lets explore the subject of failure for a minute: Point 1. God only makes perfection. Anyone that became imperfect possibly had experiences or influences that shaped or created that hot mess. Point 2. Its not necessary for us to be perfect because, its not required by the One person who’s opinion really counts, “God”. He is very forgiving and understanding. It is people that place unrealistic, harsh or unfair expectations on one another. It is by His grace we are redeemed not by our own works.
If I was created with one leg half as long as everyone else’s it would be a cruel expectation for a coach to expect me to run a 4 minute mile with the rest of the team. People seem to be more than willing to place their expectations on others. Can we say “Control Issues” boys and girls? Maybe we should just be us. In other words, happy with ourself unaffected by others expectations of us. Maybe we should just try to be our best “Us” for “Him”. This way we are happy, God is happy but what about everyone else?
The concept of happiness lies within one simple verse in the Bible: “I will keep in perfect peace who’s mine is stayed on Thee, because he trusts in God”. ( Isaiah 26::3) This takes care of you being happy and God being happy. Everyone else though, Hmmm. Now that is the sticking point, isn’t it? Easy answer, God will keep them in perfect peace if their mind is stayed on Him as well.
The issue of a discontent marriage or love relationship is this; When a couple is not equally yoked and both are not focused on God, they are taking on the task of making each other happy without the benefit of a provider that can and will provide all that both need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus”. Philippians 4:19. In short, God is love. To be one with God is to show Christlike love also. It’s not hard to achieve bliss if you both understand the Biblical and God given mandate for love. “Love others as you love yourself”. And if your married the mandate is even more detailed. Love your wife, (or husband) as Jesus loved the church. “Enough to give up ones life for the other.”
When a couple cant give their all to each other, Pastoral counseling or a Christian counselor is a great place to find answers. Marriage has been adopted by a society that struggles with the idea of where God fits into the equation or even His existence for that matter. To simplify the answer lets bring to light the way marriage should be looked at in its most accurate and perfect form: “Holy Matrimony” For a marriage to be all that it can be and should be, God must be part of the relationship. Satan is the author of confusion, strife, jealousy, envy, boastfulness, pride and selfishness. These things will make a marriage or any relationship toxic. Pray for God, the Holy Spirit to manifest His healing love in your marriage. This is the only way to dissolve the toxicity and enjoy love as love was intended to be experienced, “Holy Matrimony”.
Sometimes a relationship will not survive the ravaging attacks of the enemy that seeks to destroy everything that points to love and the author of love, God. Especially the institution of, “Holy Matrimony”. This is a heart wrenching and devastating place to find oneself. However, at the same time it is a wonderful place to actually find oneself. To begin the journey, one must commit the wellbeing of the other to God and continue to love them enough to wish them well and healing. To forgive is divine. And now dear friend, to forgive yourself and to ask for God to forgive you of any of your attributes that may have been offensive to Him. Take time to feel the pain. Cry on Gods shoulder and rest in His love. Cast all of your cares on Him for He cares for you. Pray for healing. For both of you. There is a life after divorce if it occurs. I will cover this in an upcoming article. Until then, keep your eyes on Christ. Pray for the comfort of the Holy Spirit to guide you and for
God to give you wisdom. Know that God loves you so very much. He will help you survive the storm.
Article written by,
Robert Newberry, (Sinner)